What happens when we overload sentences?

Length is often blamed for sentences going awry, but the problem is more complex than that because
a long sentence sometimes works. Take Mark Twain’s beautiful example:

‘At times he may indulge himself with a long one [sentence], but he will make sure there are no folds in it, no vaguenesses, no parenthetical interruptions of its view as a whole; when he has done with it, it won’t be a sea-serpent with half of its arches under the water; it will be a torch-light procession. (57 words)

Long sentences can become confusing when we put too much information in brackets, overuse ‘which’ clauses or make our subjects too wordy.

Overloading sentences with information in brackets

We sometimes try to make our sentences convey too much information by embedding extra information in brackets. Take this sentence from a Westpac credit card brochure about international travel insurance.

‘A cardholder becomes eligible for this Overseas travel insurance when, before leaving Australia on an overseas journey, they have a return overseas travel ticket, and A$500 of each of their prepaid travel costs (i.e. cost of their return overseas travel ticket, and/or airport/departure taxes; and/or their prepaid overseas accommodation/travel; and/or their other prepaid overseas itinerary items) have been charged to the cardholder’s eligible credit card account.’ (71 words)

I think it means that you have to have a return ticket before you leave the country and pre-pay at least $500 of your overseas travel expenses, including your ticket, with your credit card.

If you take out the information in brackets, the sentence is a bit easier.

‘A cardholder becomes eligible for this Overseas travel insurance when, before leaving Australia on an overseas journey, they have a return overseas travel ticket, and A$500 of each of their prepaid travel costs have been charged to the cardholder’s eligible credit card account.’

Although clearer this sentence still needs rewriting because the word ‘each’ is confusing, given that the items in brackets are followed by ‘and/or’. Also it raises questions: for example, if I pay for my accommodation with cash or another credit card, am I still eligible for insurance?

The information in brackets could have been an additional sentence using bullet points.

Overseas travel expenses include the costs of:
• Return ticket and airport departure taxes
• Prepaid overseas accommodation, travel and itinerary items

I’ve tried to tweak this sentence, but it still doesn’t work, because the thinking behind it isn’t clear. Sometimes you just have to start again and work out what you are trying to say.

Overloading them with too much information in ‘which’ clauses

Take this example that I found in the Australian Financial Review during the GFC.

‘For example, the conversion of former US investment banking giants Goldman Sachs and Morgan Stanley into commercial banks (which have tougher capital requirements) had the unintended consequence of squeezing funding to hedge funds – which in turn has exacerbated their dumping of assets across world markets.’ (45 words)

I have highlighted ‘which’ as causing the sentence overload, but it has an additional problem. I am not sure who ‘their’ relates to (unclear antecedent) – who’s doing the dumping?

Overloading the subject with too many words

Sentences that have a lengthy subject (nominal group or noun phrase) are difficult to read. 

[The young male rats that were from the same colony as the rats with symptoms of the disease, but which do not show sign of the disease at this stage of their development] were used as the control group.

Rewritten to make the subject shorter:

[The symptom-free young male rats] were used as the control group. These rats were from the same colony as the rats showing symptoms of the disease.

What other causes of overloaded sentences have you noticed?

Why learn grammar?

When extolling the virtues of learning grammar, some people take a ‘shame’ approach.

‘If you use poor grammar,’ they say, ‘you damage your own reputation and, if you’re writing on behalf of your organisation, you damage the brand.’

And today with social media, mistakes linger even if they are quickly removed in the real world. I still recall Myer’s signage blunder in January 2013. Like many other people, I chuckled and ‘tut-tutted’. (Early bird get’s the right size.)

But I also thought, ‘I’m glad I didn’t make that mistake’. I am capable of making plenty of grammatical mistakes and typos and could even miss a rogue apostrophe. Sometimes the more I look at something, the less capable I am of seeing it clearly. I am not alone in word-blindness – most of us find it hard to proofread our own writing.  

So apart from shame, what are the compelling reasons to learn grammar?

Understanding grammar improves your writing
Understanding how the English language works, and having the tools to analyse it, increases your confidence in your writing. With a knowledge of grammar rules, you can use language for maximum impact and avoid ambiguities caused by sloppy use of the language.

Also, when you have a gut feeling that a sentence isn’t right, you can analyse it to work out where the flaw lies.

As the US National Council of Teachers of English says:

‘Grammar is important because it is the language that makes it possible for us to talk about language. Grammar names the types of words and word groups that make up sentences not only in English but in any language. As human beings, we can put sentences together even as children – we can all do grammar. But to be able to talk about how sentences are built, about the types of words and word groups that make up sentences – that is knowing about grammar. And knowing about grammar offers a window into the human mind and into our amazingly complex mental capacity.

‘People associate grammar with errors and correctness. But knowing about grammar also helps us understand what makes sentences and paragraphs clear and interesting and precise.’
Read more at http://www.ncte.org/positions/statements/qandaaboutgrammar

Appreciate how language evolves
Another reason for learning grammar is to dispel the grammar myths that many of us were taught at school and to appreciate how language changes. I guarantee some of you were taught that you must never start a sentence with But, And, Because, Hopefully, However or Therefore. All these words are now acceptable ways of beginning a sentence.

Through paying attention to language, you gain a greater appreciation of the richness of its ever-evolving nature. Twitter and texting are changing the way we communicate, but the language isn’t diminished; the rules just change to accommodate usage. For instance, changes I have noted lately include:

• Words change – ‘nerd’ has more positive connotations than it used to, and ‘ought’, ‘shall’ and ‘brevity’ are seldom used.
• Acronyms change their meaning – LOL, which used to mean ‘love of love’ and then morphed to ‘laugh out loud’, has again subtly changed its meaning to convey empathy.
• Semicolons ( ; ) are used less frequently.

The inventiveness and robustness of the English language continues to amaze me.

AussieSpeak - some Australian and American spelling differences

Some of the main differences include:

• Australian English uses 'ise' or 'yse' and American English 'ize' or 'yze':

          organise, recognise, analyse (Au)

          organize, recognize, analyze (US)

• Australian English uses 'our' and American English 'or':

          colour, honour, flavour (Au) (An exception is the Australian Labor Party's name.)

          color, honor, flavor (US)

• Australian English uses 're' and American English 'er':

          centre, theatre, metre (Au)

          center, theater, meter (US)

Other Australian and American English spelling differences

• Both '-able' and '-eable' are used in Australian English (usable, useable), but American English just uses '-able' (usable).
• Australian English uses '-ae' with some words (paediatrician, anaesthetic) and '-e' with others (encyclopedia, medieval). American English uses '-e' (pediatrician).
• American English has no 'e' in words such as judgment, acknowledgment and abridgment, while Australian English use both forms (judgment and judgement).
• Australian English uses 'oe' for some words (homoeopath, oestrogen), and '-e' for others (homeostasis, not homoeostasis). US English uses '-e' (estrogen).
• Australian English uses '-ogue' with words such as catalogue and dialogue, and US English tends to drop the 'ue' (catalog, dialog).
• A few other words with different spelling are grey/gray (US), cheque/check (US) and tyre/tire (US).

Some US spellings creep into the Australian language and are adopted over time. One example is program, which is now more common than programme.

Australian spelling is more closely aligned to British English than American English. You can read about American and British spelling differences at http://bit.ly/a0HDd

About Mary Morel
Mary Morel is the founder of Online Writing Training and works with organisations to improve the quality of their board papers. Online Writing Training offers online writing courses.

AussieSpeak – further, lie, towards, dependent and dependant

Further and farther
In Australian and New Zealand English, farther is not very common. We use further to mean both ‘at a greater distance’ and ‘in addition, more, moreover’.

     How much further to go?
     We need to investigate further.

Farther is used more in the US where many writers split the meanings, saying farther relates to distance and further to ‘in addition, more, moreover’.

     How much farther to go?
     We need to investigate further.

Lay and lie
Lay, lady, lay, across my big brass bed. (Australians would say ‘Lie lady lie…’.)
He laid down on the bed and cried. (Australians would say ‘He lay down…’.)

In British (and Australian and NZ) English, lie is an intransitive verb, i.e. doesn’t take an object (you can’t lie something) and its past tense is lay: ‘we lay down an hour ago’. (When lie means to tell an untruth, the past tense is lied.)

The verb lay in the present tense is transitive, i.e. takes an object, ‘please lay the table’, and its past tense is laid: ‘she laid the table an hour ago’.

Also, Americans say ‘the lay of the land’ whereas Australians say ‘the lie of the land’, though lay has always been permissible and is creeping in more and more.

toward and towards
Toward and towards can be used interchangeably, but Americans tend to use toward, and Australians, towards.

dependant and dependent
In Australian and New Zealand spelling, dependant is a noun and means someone who depends on support from others. This support often has a financial component.

     The child is a dependant.

Dependent is an adjective and means relying on.

     The outcome is dependent on the test results.

American spelling uses dependent for both meanings. Much simpler!

About Mary Morel
Mary Morel is the founder of Online Writing Training and works with organisations to improve the quality of their board papers. Online Writing Training offers online writing courses.

Is the subjunctive dying?

‘The subjunctive mood is in its death throes, and the best thing to do is put it out of its misery as soon as possible.’
Somerset Maugham, A Writer's Notebook, 1949

Is this true?

One of the most common usages of the subjunctive is to express wishes or conditions contrary to fact. The only grammatical indication of this mood is that with singular subjects we use were instead of was.

     If I were a millionaire, I would stop work tomorrow.
     If he were honest, we wouldn’t be in this situation.

Today, many people would use was instead.

     If I was a millionaire, I would stop work tomorrow.
     If he was honest, we wouldn’t be in this situation.

My opinion: I still like the subjunctive in these types of sentences, but am not sure it matters.

We use what is known as the mandative subjunctive to express requests, demands, suggestions and recommendations.

The mandative subjunctive is indicated by the use of the base form of the verb (love, skip) with singular subjects.

     I insist that he eat at the table.
     He demanded that the motion be put.

Once again, many people would say:

     I insist that he eats at the table.
     He demanded that the motion was put.

My opinion: I think the mandative subjunctive is more common in formal than informal language. In informal language we often use an auxiliary verb rather than the subjunctive.

     I insist that he should eat at the table.

I don’t have strong feelings either way, but I read a lot of recommendations in board papers and wish they were consistently constructed. For example, either:

     It is recommended that the board approve the policy.
     It is recommended that the board approves the policy.

We also use what is known as the formulaic subjunctive for idiomatic expressions with the meaning of let or may.

     Long live the King!
     Perish the thought!
     Come what may…

My opinion: The formulaic subjunctive will live on in commonly used idiomatic expressions, but some old-fashioned expressions such as Perish the thought may die out.

My overall opinion
My research suggests that the subjunctive is more commonly used in the USA than in Australia or Britain, so I think it is unlikely to die out altogether. 

And sometimes the subjunctive just sounds better.

The following line by Shakespeare would not read as well without the subjunctive.

     If music be the food of love, play on.
     If music is the food of love, play on.

I like the subjunctive, but I value consistency more, and wish that writers understood it better and made informed decisions about whether to use it or ditch it.

Learn more about grammar by doing one of my online grammar programs at www.onlinewritingtraining.com.au

Delete clutter from your writing

Short sentences are easier to read than long, complex sentences. Readability tests prove this. As is usually the case with English, there are exceptions to this rule, and long sentences can work well. As Joseph M. Williams says in Style: Toward Clarity and Grace:

'Every competent writer has to know how to write a concise sentence and how to prune a long one to readable length. But a competent writer must also know how to manage a long sentence gracefully, how to make it as clear and as vigorous as a series of short ones.'

This is illustrated by the following sentence written by Mark Twain.

'At times he may indulge himself with a long one [sentence], but he will make sure there are no folds in it, no vaguenesses, no parenthetical interruptions of its view as a whole; when he has done with it, it won’t be a sea-serpent with half of its arches under the water; it will be a torch-light procession. (57 words)'

Delete, delete, delete

When you’re looking for words and phrases to delete or replace, watch out for:

• Unnecessary prepositions, such as to, by, up and in

               open up (open)
               total of 12 bottles (12 bottles)

• • Meaningless phrases that are often clichés

               at this point in time
               at the end of the day
               it is of the utmost importance

• Redundant words, which are often adverbs or adjectives

               12 noon (noon)
               assemble together (assemble)
               completely destroyed (destroyed)
               exact same (same)

Delete your own clutter

If you can’t immediately spot your own clutter, try underlining the words that are essential for the meaning. Then you’ll see how many unnecessary words you have used. Alternatively, put brackets around words you could delete and see how the sentence reads without them.

Another method is to think of working words and glue words. ‘Working words’ are essential for meaning. ‘Glue words’ are those that make the sentence stick together. While you need some glue words, most of us tend to use too many.

The working words in the following sentence are in bold.

A meeting was held by the management team for the purpose of discussing the document with relation to the settlement date. (21 words)

The sentence could be rewritten without using all the working words:

The management team met to discuss the settlement date. (9 words)

Learn more about how to improve your writing with Mary Morel's online program, The Art of Writing Sentences.

Common mistakes to watch for when editing

Here are some of the common mistakes and inconsistencies that I have to watch for when editing my own and other people’s writing.

1. Agreement with company names

In Australian and New Zealand English, company names take a singular verb, yet many of us use a plural verb, or switch between singular and plural. This is an easy mistake to make because although we are writing about an entity, we are often thinking about the people within the organisation.

     Bonds is a well known brand. (correct)
     Bonds are a well known brand. (incorrect)

2. Capitalisation

Many people were taught to capitalise everything that seemed ‘important’, but the modern trend is to use lower case apart from titles, defined terms or proper nouns. Even worse than overcapitalisation is inconsistent capitalisation – and this is common.

     The company manages some investments for the Fund.
     The managers gave a presentation to the fund.

3. Hyphenation

It’s easy to be inconsistent in hyphen usage. You may hyphenate a word in one place, but treat it as one word elsewhere.

     semi-colon
     semicolon (my preference)

4. Numbers

Many style guides recommend using words for one to nine and numerals for 10+, yet many writers switch between words and numbers indiscriminately. Check for consistency and decide how you will deal with small and large numbers in the same sentence.

     There were 5 applicants for one job and 12 for the other.
     There were five applicants for one job and 12 for the other.

5. Punctuation in lists

Check your lists when editing to make sure you are punctuating similarly structured lists the same way. Inconsistency problems often occur when points in a list all relate grammatically to an initial statement. You need to decide whether to capitalise the first word in each point and whether to use punctuation at the end of any of the points.

You can read more about punctuation in lists at http://www.onlinegrammar.com.au/punctuation-in-lists/

6. Headings

With a long document, it is helpful to set a hierarchy of headings so you can check your structure by looking at ‘View: Document map’ in Microsoft Word.

If you repeat a heading in another section, make sure you use the same heading. When I am writing a proposal, I repeat my headings when giving prices, and am surprised how often I use slightly different wording.

7. Acronyms and abbreviations

We all use acronyms and abbreviations, but they can get out of control, especially in long documents when acronyms and full terms are often used interchangeably. The convention is to spell them out the first time and use the acronym from then on.

     subject-matter expert (SME)...
     The SME...

I find when I am reading some board papers, I am constantly googling terms. This doesn’t always work because some are industry-specific.

If you have several people working on a document, it helps to set a style list first to reduce the amount of post-work editing needed.

Learn more

If you want to learn more about punctuation and styles, sign-up for an Online Writing Training course.