What happens when we overload sentences?

Length is often blamed for sentences going awry, but the problem is more complex than that because
a long sentence sometimes works. Take Mark Twain’s beautiful example:

‘At times he may indulge himself with a long one [sentence], but he will make sure there are no folds in it, no vaguenesses, no parenthetical interruptions of its view as a whole; when he has done with it, it won’t be a sea-serpent with half of its arches under the water; it will be a torch-light procession. (57 words)

Long sentences can become confusing when we put too much information in brackets, overuse ‘which’ clauses or make our subjects too wordy.

Overloading sentences with information in brackets

We sometimes try to make our sentences convey too much information by embedding extra information in brackets. Take this sentence from a Westpac credit card brochure about international travel insurance.

‘A cardholder becomes eligible for this Overseas travel insurance when, before leaving Australia on an overseas journey, they have a return overseas travel ticket, and A$500 of each of their prepaid travel costs (i.e. cost of their return overseas travel ticket, and/or airport/departure taxes; and/or their prepaid overseas accommodation/travel; and/or their other prepaid overseas itinerary items) have been charged to the cardholder’s eligible credit card account.’ (71 words)

I think it means that you have to have a return ticket before you leave the country and pre-pay at least $500 of your overseas travel expenses, including your ticket, with your credit card.

If you take out the information in brackets, the sentence is a bit easier.

‘A cardholder becomes eligible for this Overseas travel insurance when, before leaving Australia on an overseas journey, they have a return overseas travel ticket, and A$500 of each of their prepaid travel costs have been charged to the cardholder’s eligible credit card account.’

Although clearer this sentence still needs rewriting because the word ‘each’ is confusing, given that the items in brackets are followed by ‘and/or’. Also it raises questions: for example, if I pay for my accommodation with cash or another credit card, am I still eligible for insurance?

The information in brackets could have been an additional sentence using bullet points.

Overseas travel expenses include the costs of:
• Return ticket and airport departure taxes
• Prepaid overseas accommodation, travel and itinerary items

I’ve tried to tweak this sentence, but it still doesn’t work, because the thinking behind it isn’t clear. Sometimes you just have to start again and work out what you are trying to say.

Overloading them with too much information in ‘which’ clauses

Take this example that I found in the Australian Financial Review during the GFC.

‘For example, the conversion of former US investment banking giants Goldman Sachs and Morgan Stanley into commercial banks (which have tougher capital requirements) had the unintended consequence of squeezing funding to hedge funds – which in turn has exacerbated their dumping of assets across world markets.’ (45 words)

I have highlighted ‘which’ as causing the sentence overload, but it has an additional problem. I am not sure who ‘their’ relates to (unclear antecedent) – who’s doing the dumping?

Overloading the subject with too many words

Sentences that have a lengthy subject (nominal group or noun phrase) are difficult to read. 

[The young male rats that were from the same colony as the rats with symptoms of the disease, but which do not show sign of the disease at this stage of their development] were used as the control group.

Rewritten to make the subject shorter:

[The symptom-free young male rats] were used as the control group. These rats were from the same colony as the rats showing symptoms of the disease.

What other causes of overloaded sentences have you noticed?

Delete clutter from your writing

Short sentences are easier to read than long, complex sentences. Readability tests prove this. As is usually the case with English, there are exceptions to this rule, and long sentences can work well. As Joseph M. Williams says in Style: Toward Clarity and Grace:

'Every competent writer has to know how to write a concise sentence and how to prune a long one to readable length. But a competent writer must also know how to manage a long sentence gracefully, how to make it as clear and as vigorous as a series of short ones.'

This is illustrated by the following sentence written by Mark Twain.

'At times he may indulge himself with a long one [sentence], but he will make sure there are no folds in it, no vaguenesses, no parenthetical interruptions of its view as a whole; when he has done with it, it won’t be a sea-serpent with half of its arches under the water; it will be a torch-light procession. (57 words)'

Delete, delete, delete

When you’re looking for words and phrases to delete or replace, watch out for:

• Unnecessary prepositions, such as to, by, up and in

               open up (open)
               total of 12 bottles (12 bottles)

• • Meaningless phrases that are often clichés

               at this point in time
               at the end of the day
               it is of the utmost importance

• Redundant words, which are often adverbs or adjectives

               12 noon (noon)
               assemble together (assemble)
               completely destroyed (destroyed)
               exact same (same)

Delete your own clutter

If you can’t immediately spot your own clutter, try underlining the words that are essential for the meaning. Then you’ll see how many unnecessary words you have used. Alternatively, put brackets around words you could delete and see how the sentence reads without them.

Another method is to think of working words and glue words. ‘Working words’ are essential for meaning. ‘Glue words’ are those that make the sentence stick together. While you need some glue words, most of us tend to use too many.

The working words in the following sentence are in bold.

A meeting was held by the management team for the purpose of discussing the document with relation to the settlement date. (21 words)

The sentence could be rewritten without using all the working words:

The management team met to discuss the settlement date. (9 words)

Learn more about how to improve your writing with Mary Morel's online program, The Art of Writing Sentences.